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Good Thoughts.........
OBSERVATIONS AND
QUESTIONS
* Why is there always one in every crowd?
* How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
* If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?
* If sidewalks were meant for joggers, they'd be called sidejogs.
* So many stupid people, so few meteors.
* If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra would they
get a four-legged chicken with its own barcode?
* Who decided "Hotpoint" would be a good name for a
company that sells refrigerators?
* If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
* Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time?
* If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could
only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
* Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy
fortune tellers take economists seriously?
* Why do hair shampoo instructions say "Lather. Rinse.
Repeat"? If you did this, would you ever be able to stop?
* Indecision is the key to flexibility.
* You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the
track.
* There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of
preparation.
* Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
* Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
* The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
* The careful application of terror is also a form of
communication.
* Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real
world.
* Things are more like they are today than they have ever been
before.
* Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
* Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no
simpler.
* Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
* Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.
* All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
* If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind
to blame.
* One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
* By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
* Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious.
* The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
* There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
* This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
* Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig
likes it.
* The trouble with life is, you're half way through it before you
realize it's a 'do it yourself' thing.
* Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level
then beat you with experience.
* Statistics are like bikinis. What they conceal is more
important than what they reveal.
* 5 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.
* The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're
going to be when you kill them.
* What's the greatest world-wide use of cowhide? To hold cows
together.
* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
* People who think they're perfect are very annoying to those of
us who really are.
* USA Today has come out with a new survey Apparently three out
of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
* You can lead a horse to water, but, a pencil must be lead.
* Those nicotine patches seem to work really well, but I heard
that's it's kinda hard to keep em' lit.
* A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
* For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord.
* Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
* You can't have everything... where would you put it?
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart.
* Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!
* All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
* Oh Lord give me patience... NOW!
* It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world
end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
* Feet Smell? Nose Run? Hey, you're upside down!
* If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent
perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright
people.
* People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch
either of them being made.
* The 50-50-90 rule Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
* We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
* Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
* A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
* On the other hand, you have different fingers.
* Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
* Hermits have no peer pressure.
* When people run around and around in circles we say they are
crazy, when
planets do it we say they are orbiting.
* Whoever said money can't buy everything didn't know where to
shop.
* Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be
the world to one person.
* There are 3 types of people in the world, those who make things
happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what
just happened.
* Television is more interesting than people. If it were not, we
would have people standing our living rooms.
* You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you
can't pick your friend's nose.
* A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.
* The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who
invented the other three, he was the genius.
* Why not have your cake and eat it too - it's cake, what else
are you going to do with it?
* The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says
the glass is half empty. The pragmatist, being thirsty, drinks
the water.
* We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and
clap as they go by.
* Spotted on the back of a T-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad
"If you see me
running, try to keep up."
* I don't see what all the fuss is about, if those dolphins were
so smart, they wouldn't hang out with tuna.
* Therapy helps, but screaming obscenities is cheaper.
* I doubt, therefore I might be.
* Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored.
* Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of
alphabet soup?
* Every 10 seconds, somewhere on this earth, there is a woman
giving birth to
a child. She must be found and stopped.
* Condense soup, not books
* Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run (he
hates that)
* This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.
* Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
* An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
* To kiss a fool is bad. To let a fool kiss you is even worse.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
* Crime doesn't pay, but the hours are good.
* There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
looking like an idiot.
* Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
* Rehab is for quitters.
* If tomorrow never comes, then, you're dead.
* 100% of studies show that if you don't eat, you'll get hungry.
* Sometimes I worry about you (the rest of the time I panic)
* The American Heart and Lung Association surveyed doctors and
found that 9 out of 10 doctors who tried Camels went back to
women.
* This message was sent to you via email in much the same way
bricks aren't.
* Ten out of ten people surveyed in the street are pedestrians.
* Today's subliminal thought is
* You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you
can't wipe your friends on the couch.
* Opportunity knocks only once, if you hear a second knock it's
probally a Jehovah's witness.
* The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know it,
and I couldn't care less...
* Do you know that if all the smokers were laid end to end around
the world, three quarters of them would drown?
* Carpenter's rule cut to fit; beat into place.
* Forecast for tonight : Dark.
* Get your mind out of the gutter! Grab mine while you're there,
please.
WORDS
OF THE "WHYS"
* Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins
Lottery!"?
* Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
* Why is a boxing ring square?
* Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
* Why is what doctors do called "practice"?
* Why is it rain drops, but snow falls?
* Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?
* Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?
DID YOU
EVER NOTICE........
* Did you ever notice, that the husbands of the ten best-dressed
women are never on the list of the ten best-dressed men?
* Did you ever notice, that health clubs advertising on TV never
show people who look like they need to be there?
* Did you ever notice, that the older you get, the better an
athlete you used to be?
* Did you ever notice, that the phone will not ring for the first
15 minutes of the day
unless you're late; if you're late, it will ring continuously
until you arrive?
* Did you ever notice, that a boring person never gets hoarse?
* Did you ever notice, that the waiter who hovered over your
table before you were ready to go to order is nowhere to be seen
when you're ready for the check?
YEAH,
RIGHT......
* This will be a short meeting
* You can put it together yourself in five minutes
* One slice of pizza won't blow my diet
* You'll housebreak him in no time at all
* They'll feel terrific once you break them in
* We've been in business for 30 years, we're not going anywhere
* When it says "empty" there's always a gallon or two
left
* If you knew anything at all, you wouldn't be a Traffic Cop
* You can make it -- that truck isn't coming all that fast
* Of course bring the kids
* That's not poison oak
* I don't burn, I tan
* Take off your clothes, the doctor will be right with you
* Your table will be ready in 5 minutes
* Of course they're mushrooms, toadstools come to a point
* No trouble at all, don't give it a second thought
* We service what we sell
* Believe me, nobody's dressing up
GOOD
SAYINGS
* I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
* I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they
make as they go flying by.
* Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
* I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
* Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
* Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along
without it.
* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're
the statue.
* I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception
problem.
* My Reality Check bounced.
* On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape
key.
* I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
* You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut
butter.
MISCELLANEOUS
ONE LINERS
* There are more important things in life than money - but they
won't go out with you if you're broke.
* When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands
of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury
duty.
* I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to
quit going to those places.
* It is better to have that which you do not need, than to need
that which you do not have.
* Have you ever noticed that most of the offenders of the school
zone 25 mph law are parents taking their kids to school.
* How can you be over the hill, if you never got to the top?
* I always keep a coathanger in the glove box, just in case I
locked my keys in the car.
* Sure you can't take it with you, but you can stash it where no
other bastard can find it.
*My psychiatrist says I'm manic-depressive, I have mixed feelings
about that.
* He was an unwanted child, his parents gave him plastic bags to
play with.
* I like to wait till the end of the day before reading my
horoscope, that way I can find out what kind of day I had.
* You know your social life is in trouble when your best friends
are Waffle House waitresses.
* If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek, nothing
gets the message across like a good mooning.
* It's always darkest before the dawn, so if you're going to
steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
* Winning isn't everything, winning and gloating and rubbing
their noses in it ... that's everything!
* This land is your land, this land is my land, so stay on your
land.
* Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
* If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, why do they
keep abducting the dumbest people on Earth?
* Why is it that when you talk to God you're praying, but when he
talks to you, you're crazy?
* Old age is inevitable; growing up is optional.
* My neighbor has a treadmill, and a riding lawn mower.
* The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.
* Isn't it redundant to say an offer is void where prohibited?
* You're listening to country music because your love life is
bad, you're drinking a lot, and your dog was recently killed.
* Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did
it by killing all those who opposed them.
* If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you
probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the
situation.
* Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done, doing the
job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
* Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
* TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
* Go the extra mile, it makes your boss look like an incompetent
slacker.
* Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
* And your crybaby, whiny-assed opinion would be..?
* If I throw a stick, will you leave?
* Nice perfume, must you marinate in it?
* Chaos, panic, & disorder, my work here is done.
* I've learned that you cannot make someone love you, all you can
do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
* I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are
just assholes.
* I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others,
they are more screwed up than you think.
* I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we
are celebrities.
* Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking
to their diets.
* It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody
bothers to ask you the questions.
* Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.
* Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain
consciousness.
* You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old
because you stop laughing.
* Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
* I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
* Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep
inside the earth.
* I can change any thought that hurts, into a reality that hurts
even more.
* I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I
can laugh at.
* Don't you hate it when you're in court and the low life scum
who beat and robbed you is referred to as a gentleman?
* Money talks....it says good-bye.
* Adults are just kids who owe money.
* Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
* I have nothing but respect for you, and not much of that.
*A pessimist is somebody who's afraid that somewhere, somehow,
someone's
having a good time!
* The loudest snorer is always the first one to get to sleep.
* Social tact is making your company feel at home even though you
wish they were.
* The trouble with opportunity is that it's always more
recognizable going than
coming.
* Earth is full. Go home.
* I'm trying to imagine you with a personality
*I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
* I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
* The things that come to those that wait may be the things left
by those who got there first.
* I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
* I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
* There is always one more son-of-a-bitch than you counted on.
* You look like shit. Is that the style now?
* I'm not tense. Just terribly, terribly alert.
* Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
* A child of five could understand this, fetch me a child of
five.
* I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
* Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend; inside of a dog,
it's too dark to read.
* Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
* Gravity...it's not just a good idea, it's the law.
* If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because
they will stop making it.
* You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the
track.
* Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle.
* The other line always moves faster until you get in it.
* It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
* I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
* There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be
solved by brute strength and ignorance.
* It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of
your own ignorance.
* Ignorance is bliss....why aren't you happy?
* The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you
end up at work.
* Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
* People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the
freedom of thought which they seldom use.
* If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called
research, would it ?
* I have never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
* When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains,
however improbable, must be the truth.
* It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
* If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
* Eat right, stay fit, die anyway.
* Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man to
fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
* A fine is a tax for doing wrong, a tax is a fine for doing
well.
* What we see depends on mainly what we look for.
* I can't go back to yesterday, because I was a different person
then.
* Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
* At times I am amazed at how proportionally strong ants are, but
then I remember I can still step on them.
* At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive
habits.
* Good habits are just as hard to break as bad ones.
* Beer :The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!
* Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking
for it
* Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are
usually right.
* The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like
an eggs-and-ham breakfast, the chicken was 'involved' - the pig
was 'committed'.
* I have nothing but respect for you, and not much of that.
* Most of us know how to say nothing...few of us know when.
* When it becomes a crime to love, you should probably consider
dating outside the family.
* They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and
precious to the recipient, but giving the finger is free too, and
I find it more personal and sincere.
* We cannot see the future, we cannot change the past, we can
only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in
the future to wreak revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in
the past.
* Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to
do things that would get your butt thrown in jail if you really
tried them.
* If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and
apes?
* If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are
they all still working?
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as
a warning to others.
* It is far more impressive when others discover your good
qualities without your help.
* If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
* If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it
was probably worth it.
* If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
* Never miss a good chance to shut up.
* Before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their
shoes, that way when you criticize them you're a mile away and
you have their shoes.
* Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
